Disclaimer: Everyone has a right to his or her own opinion. You very well may LOVE every single thing that I list. That’s fine with me; I won’t try to stop you. Really, I could care less that you have overwhelmingly bad taste. Lawl.
No, but seriously. I understand that most of the clichés are integral parts of what makes yaoi manga, um, yaoi manga. The Japanese yaoi manga. Which I happen to love. This is all in good fun, I swear.

1. Seme/Uke

Weepy, Wimpy Uke/ Mean, Controlling Seme;
Clumsy, Loudmouthed Uke/Graceful, Silent Seme;
I understand the need for contrast. Especially within a “comic” setting, where it isn’t easy to portray characters with depth or complex personalities, the lovers must ALWAYS have contrasting personalities. But… must the weaker girlier always be the bottom ?

Oh, and the bishounen. Okay. I will admit that I love bishounen. I love manga style. But sometimes it’s just silly; there’s no in between. There’s hulking manly men with big muscular bodies and tiny heads or wispy delicate bois with almond-shaped fingernails and long flowy hair. Gross. I wanna read about a boy not a… girlboy.

And the whole “Wow, [insert beautiful uke’s name] is so beautiful! Swoon!” by fellow STRAIGHT BOY classmates is too… unbelievable. Nobody does that shit. Completely transports me back to reality, where I snort and say, “that’s fucking retarded.”

2. “I Love You” right away.

Soooo many stories, there are, in which the blushing, teary-eyed uke expresses “love” wayyy too soon. Ugh. Maybe it’s a Japanese lost in translation thing? Maybe “love” is the closest English word to a slightly different concept that’s somewhere in between Like and Love, with a little admiration and sexual attraction thrown in for good measure?

I gotta admit, I used to do it too, the whole “I love you” in yaoi/slash fiction… when I was THIRTEEN because I didn’t KNOW ANY BETTER. Perhaps it stems from the writer’s lack of real-life relationship experience? Lol. I always imagine mangaka being an intensely sexually frustrated and inexperienced people…

But… fast-pacing, anyone? I completely understand that pacing can be difficult in a manga, especially one that has a “complex” plot. But… in a nutshell it always goes: Hello; I love you; seemingly noncon buttsecksing; angst; moar buttsecks (but this time the uke is slightly more willing); conclusion.

3. Obvious Plot Devices

Maybe I’m too nitpicky. I mean, if we were to eliminate all stories where the protagonist is forced to stay with the seme due to some unfortunate event, well… there probably wouldn’t be any yaoi left.

4. Rape as… making love?

Whut? Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy the occasional noncon when done right, but… when the uke is straight up buttraped and then later is like… “he must really love me!” well, sometimes I’m just overwhelmed by the wrongness. I mean, this has got to be setting a bad example for all future rapists. I can just see it now – Convicted Rapist: “But… but in yaoi manga, raping someone in the butt means you love them!

5. No lube?!

I know it’s a fantasy world, but the least you can do is include one panel acknowleging the necessity of lubrication. The only one I can remember seeing is in Love Mode Volume One.

Honestly, have any of you authors had buttsecks before? No lube = Ow. Not to mention the possibility of: anal tears, bleeding, misery, stitches, painful bowel movements, etc. Contrary to popular belief (at least within the yaoi community) the anus does NOT secrete lubricating fluids during sexual arousal. That would be a vagina.

So yeah. Always lube up before buttsex time. Even in manga. The last thing I want to think while I’m trying to concentrate on a hot sex scene is “Wow, sucks for him.”

Hey, no wonder ukes always scream “No!” during buttsex - they forgot to lube up and it fucking hurts!

6. Girly, Cutesy Shit

Rose petals. Snowflakes. Kittens.

Stop it. Just. Stop it. These are supposed to be men. Why not decorate the pages with power tools and footballs and steaks?

Oh wait, I forgot, this is written by women for women. How silly of me. Forget I said anything.

7. Cross Dressing

I buy yaoi manga because I want to read about MEN.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with a lil crossdressing kink. Maybe a bit of jerking off while wearing silk panties, or experimenting with thigh highs or lingerie. Perfectly fine by me.

BUT. When the uke, who already is uber-feminine by the way, is forced to both dress and pretend to BE a woman, well… count me out. It kinda ruins things. I mean, come on. The men are already neuter with their invisicocks.

8. High school.

ARGHHH. Stereotypes galore: The uke is the mildly unpopular kid who isn’t great shakes at academics, whose friends include the uber-brainy dork, the super jock, and the fat kid that eats a lot but isn’t really fat because fat people don’t exist in manga… etc.

The seme is the popular, easy-going, cool, academically-talented guy who is constantly surrounded by friends and admirers alike. But, for some strange reason, he falls in “love” with the uke. This is VERY likely to happen IRL, BTW.

Oh. I know, the uniforms are cute. But I have a hard enough time already telling manga characters apart. The last thing I need is for them to all wear the same fucking outfit.

9. Unhuman characters.

Vampires. Demons. Cat ears and tails. Etc. WTF, seriously. Am I missing something or am I the only one who is not into this shit?

I guess I’m just not Japanese enough. Well, actually I’m not Japanese at all; I’m Korean. Whatever. I still don’t get it.

I want to read about hot boys/men with sufficient character development – at least enough to flesh them out and give them believable personalities – who meet and fuck and don’t have odd animalian appendages or an appetite for blood. (I know, right? – what am I doing reading manga?!)

10. “Ha. Ha. Haa.”

No, not laughing – the sexual panting, I assume.

It’s in just about every sex scene. Even my favorite manga, “Brother” is guilty of it. Lots of “haa”s and “ahh”s and “nghh”s galore. But then again, all mangas use goofy sound effects. I guess I’ll just have to get over it. :p